It’s not you, it’s me.
Behind the brick wall, I peep waiting for this to pass, waiting earnestly for this phase to fade away. It must be a night terror. It tortures my soul; I torture my soul.
I know you listened to my words so closely, that you could clearly tell apart my use of diverse accents and my slight speech impediment that lingered in my s-words.
I saw you stare at my cherry popped curve as it curled in union with the wiggling tissue coiled in it. It had hurt you so badly to be deprived of it. The heat in your eyes told only truths and though you calmed the third, I could tell that was all resistance left.
You always did know what I wanted. For me, your brain worked with files, storing every wish I had uttered including that which my brain had long forgotten. And, if it guaranteed that my chompers would be exposed, you hustled until it was done.
I know you imprinted my presence in your future. You built a world for us, where I would be queen and rule your stead, standing by your side for all time to come. You deeply endeared fairy tales, so it hurt you when it all humoured me.
I could see what my stares did to your soul, it melted the core you had tried hard to harden. You dreaded it, I could sense deep down you knew volcanoes were bad for you. But you let gravity win.
I saw the veins tighten, I saw your jaws clench revealing the backbone I loved so much. But you were in pain, you didn’t want me to leave. You couldn’t stand the thought of me reliving our cycle with a replacement. What you didn’t know was, you were always the version of what I had pictured I would like; my tall glass of chocolate. Not this glass had I wanted after all.
I know you broke some sacred codes to accommodate me, your chi revolted yet you claimed king. Perhaps, you should have listened.
I know my voice could soothe your demons to sleep. One ear was all you needed for your stories to roll.
My silence marred you. It was never about you; it was always me.
I wanted to be your rainbow, I failed woefully.
It made me happy, that I could make you happy. Yet, I preferred the rift, space made me feel secure. But, that confused you and like a rabbit, you mistook it for a dangling carrot.
I said smart words, so you presumed. My honesty intrigued you, my depth left you in awe. So much so that, when I drowned you refused to notice. Instead, you choose to keep the painting of the pearl you thought I was but, I was in ruffs if only you had looked closely. Contrary to what you thought, I didn’t hold back. I gave you most of what I had.
I still clutch tightly to my shirt, it’s the only one I own. We both sought-after it. But it is mine to keep.
As I wander down the path I must take to be whole, I beg you to let me go in peace.
Let me find what makes me tick. Let me find what takes my breath away. Let me find what I must do to call my life a life.
Let me own myself first, for I can never share what I don’t own. Neither can I pronounce what I can’t recognise.
In truth, I did you a favour, you didn’t deserve me yet. You were always too good. While you chased me, I chase me.
I hope in many days to come when my quest to understand myself is completed, I shall find something better than what you offered. Let not my youth regret its missed opportunities and curse in my oldies its misguided directions. Instead, let me flourish from the virtue of listening from within.
Let our paths cross again. Let yours grow in bounds.
“THE MEANING OF LOVE
Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one
can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love
he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees
that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized.
Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these
potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes
these potentialities come true.
Man’s search for meaning by Dr Viktor E. Frankl