Fall to the ground, fall again, then really fall.
Does the sun realise how silly it is to shine on dark days, or is she plain stupid to notice her light serves no purpose?
Sometimes, breathing gets tedious and my lungs act like taking in more air would leave me dead. My brain sends signals down to my entire body, loud enough to shut down my system. Then, the freeze sets in, where the only thing I wish for is to disappear; disappear from everything and everyone.
From a distance, I can perceive the stench of truths unveiling the question of my worth. Just outside my cells stand an army of adversities. “Eat me up already,” cries my weary heart. But no one should see this, no one can see this.
For this same organism, laughed hard last night, took flashy selfies, displaying reddish tongue and drowned in alcohol, labelling it- the good life. The folly!
But in silence, the blows come from amidst, punching so hard my nostrils ruptures is in nanoseconds, for a minute or two a thought of falling off life surfaced.
It all starts when the noise from the crowd quietens, then whispers in my head become loud enough, exposing me to the savagery of aloneness. It irks!
Like cancer, many reasons but none stands in validation for this course. Not the money, not the car, not the house, neither is it the love. It is just something else, that creeps in the silence, saying many awful things. It speaks of ideas, and reasons this body is not worthy of carrying such breath of life.
I think it’s my head that needs saving. No talk from outside this hardened skull can make a difference if these greyish coils don’t give full approval. No voice can soothe it, no substance can alleviate it. It might be fooled for awhile but its woes always return. It needs a cave.
A wall behind the wall leading to the bits and cracks of solitude. Where conversations are wordless and eyes see through spirit engraved lens. The cave retrieves memories, replays conversations, points out facts and bares open fears. It processes all content, listens to its own sound and relabels all that has been said and done.
It is a hard thing to refine diamond, gigging is just the first step.
“To the non-professional, an unpolished rough diamond appears to be very much like a dull piece of glass. Only when it is polished and facetted, it ascends to its full glory, displaying the sparkling brightness and splash of colours for which it is famous. From the time the diamond is transformed from a rough stone into a gem set in an item of jewellery, it has lost half of its weight. We can distinguish four different phases in diamond processing: drawing/marking, cleaving/sawing, bruiting and polishing.” ANTWERP WORLD DIAMOND CENTRE.
I listen to my emotions as it rambles on and on, bringing me to my knees with tears. Then I write about them extrapolating a bunch of whys; why does this situation make me feel this way? What is the undiluted reason behind all this craziness? The mind knows all that it needs to know.
In my cave, we talk, cry, make vows and run if we have too but as I walk out of my cave, my sight gets brighter and I see the world with renewed eyes and renewed meaning to the same themes.
The cave tells me that nothing ever changes; the night will always come but the day will come too, rain will fall and the sun will shine too, hills will be after valleys and as long as my heart beats, it will be an unending upward-downward movement.
It will never change but what can change is the meaning I attach to them. The meaning I attach to happiness, sorrow, joy, love, money all of it. And it made one rule, that I make sure that the meaning I attach to anything is truly mine.
Not the world’s, not the media’s, not even my family’s but mine.
After talking to the world, it demands I make out time for us in the cave …
YOU ARE A DIAMOND in the process…