I Cried Myself To Sleep Last Night

Yesterday was the first Valentine that made me crave attention.

#1  Fun fact, I have never been in a relationship during valentine, not once!

For years, I prided myself on my super resilient abilities- queen bee herself of the single’s club association. No one could ever make me feel sad about being single on valentine. Then yesterday happened.

I was completely disoriented, seated at the back of a car. I was a prime witness to my friend who was all booed up in front. She was kissing his face all over after he had handed her her Valentine’s gift. I had a quick flashback while struggling to juggle 850calories I had consumed from my co-worker’s valentine-cake and chocolate.

The entire day passed and I received nothing. My first question was, do they have two heads?

I know what you’re thinking and no it wasn’t only about the gifts. I’d usually not care about Valentine and its gift-giving menace. Although, now I think about it I’m not sure how I should feel, considering that I’ve never experienced a gift-receiving valentine.

I’m beginning to think most of the people that criticize Valentine are like me.

Oh don’t feel sorry for me, this might be my own doing.  I’ve met a number of men; hardworking, good-looking men but the timing was always a bitch.

  • I was either relocating
  • He was about relocating
  • I wasn’t emotionally available
  • He wasn’t emotionally available
  • He had no money
  • He had too much money
  • He wanted to get married
  • He was married
  • He wasn’t ready to get married in the next 10 years
  • He was trying to figure his life out
  • I was trying to figure my life out

The list goes on and on and so one by one, they all left.  When you have that kind of list, you get comfortable, I did.

My mantra was; soldier go, soldier come. I find that I was always looking for someone better. Somewhere at the back of my mind, I happen to think that there’s this special person for me. Yeah right!

You see, I can tell how long we’d last from one conversation. I’ve been in love once, and I know the difference. The best thing about being in love for me was the realisation that I could feel real emotions for another person other than myself.

I hear that you choose to love, but I believe there are people you’d meet that make loving them your only option. That’s how I once felt. Then we broke up; I cried my eyes out. It was the third worst period of my life, but I was grateful for the feeling of feelings.

I once thought that I might be asexual, now I think I’m demisexual.  I once blocked someone who hinted that I might be gay. Why the hell would anyone think that? (I’m indifferent to LGBT issues)

I miss X, but I can’t tell if it’s because he took me to lovely places or because I enjoyed his company. When it gets confusing like that, then there’s usually an error. Call it what you want, money has a way of tinting emotions.

#2 Fun fact, I have tried dating for money, I almost died of boredom.

First Outing… good. Second outing….great, by the third I wanted substance. Not that he was unfavourable or dull (maybe a little) I’m sure some lady out there would enjoy his company. But he did nothing for me except buy me nice things. I couldn’t take it.

Then there was the preacher, the straight clean guy who loved God deeply. (I think)

He would send bible scriptures every morning. That’s the thing, I found it a bit finicky and I noticed we barely had normal conversations. All I remember is him trying to make me become a Proverbs 31 woman.

I should change my circle of friends; I no longer find it coincidental that we’re all single. I used to think we had worthy standards but I’m not so sure about that anymore.

My friends are the most down to earth, drop-down gorgeous, hardworking, smart women I know. But guess what, every time we talk about relationships, we’re either; not ready, too busy, or not him.

Back to the chase, so basically, yesterday hit me hard on foreign spots.

But, this is what I found; it’s okay to feel this way.

Hey you, if you understand what I’m talking about, it’s okay.

It’s just a feeling, it will pass.

Don’t forget to enjoy being by yourself while you can.

#Quick tip: listen to Trevor Noah, he made me laugh myself to sleep last night.

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37 Replies to “I Cried Myself To Sleep Last Night”

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