I have more time now. I have more money now, I know more places now… but you’re not here anymore.
I promised, I promised you, you should have waited for me.
You should have waited for when I would have more time for you.
You should have waited for when I would have more money to buy you nice things. You should have waited for that blonde doll you liked so much.
Thrown into the silence of your absence, your clothes still smell like you.
When it’s dark, I swear I see you.
Seize me back to that moment when I could look into your kind eyes.
Allow me to listen to all of your stories about your friends, your fears and your joyful anticipation for life. You always did think life was divine.
Clutch me back to your time so I can see the world as you did through your golden rims.
I promised, I promised you good times.
I promised you an outing, just you and me in the sun or in fact, anywhere you’d have liked.
The sight of you struggling to breathe shrugged off every wall of hope I’d built. When your last breath escaped from your lungs, my deepest sense of feeling went away with it. Locked away deep in the earth.
I’m scared of feeling, of feeling how you felt on that bed, draped in agony. That last look of exhaustion you threw at me, made me question everything I thought I knew. I had never seen you tired before. That’s when I knew it was over.
My selfish desire to embrace you longer still haunts me. I still shiver from the warmth of your skin. You shouldn’t have been that warm. Too broiled to talk, you tussled in pain and begged to sleep.
I heard you give up, in despair I agreed that the torture was undeniably too much for you. That’s how I know I loved you. But in the muddle and gale of everything, I forgot to assure you that I loved you.
I forgot to tell you that you were beautiful.
I forgot to tell you how much I loved that you cherished life.
I forgot to tell you how happy you made me feel, I simply forgot.
I believed I’d have more time.
That doll you wanted, I can buy ten now.
That dress you wanted, just pick a colour.
The outing you wanted, tell me where you want to go.
Give me one day, just one day, that’s all that I need.
I still perceive you when I fasten my eyes, I still hear your roaring childlike laughter. I still see your brown skinned long legs strutting around.
But I don’t know if I can feel much anymore. I can’t tell if it’s strength or cowardice.
It’s funny how all the things I thought I would need to make you happy are here now, except for you.
I require you to come back but I’m scared you might not recognise who you’d meet.
I’m terrified you’d think my heart’s barred, and my thirst for more is insatiable.
I’m distressed that you’d think I didn’t learn the lesson.
I’m frightened you’d ask why I don’t yet tell them I appreciate them, and I wouldn’t know what to say.
I’m petrified to tell you I buried my heart with you and now, even though I want my heart back, I’m too vulnerable to dig.
Show the people that mean everything to you how much they mean to you because you never know when it would be the last time. This advice is really for me.