I first confronted you as a child.
They said you would be everything I’d need.
They said you’d take care of me.
They said you’d make a way for me.
They said you’d comfort me, then they showed me verses to affirm it.
Cracked dreams and tears did little to convince my tender heart of your merciful nature. In childlike ignorance, I required tangible expressions to my wishful imaginations. You don’t create a thing and assume it will figure things out by itself, you write a detailed manual with images.
They said you are everything. An unfathomable force, capable of devastating horror and insuperable greatness.
They said I had better trusted you, lest you cast me to the flames.
Chivalry displayed to shelter dread. Intoxicating fear-infested-fragrance blocked my thinking; the terror of hell surpassed love. Pretence spread like a giant wallpaper. No words could ever suffice the animosity. Perhaps, the whole gathering desired redemption.
I didn’t appreciate you. I couldn’t see your heavens.
But not once did I doubt your existence. I could feel you around me, you always followed me. You were in my low and in my high. You recognize me too much. You stayed glued to my skin like a tattoo; never cursed, never judged, just sat there like I was obliged to do something. Until I yelled…
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
No, really what is all these about?
Why have you been pursuing me around?
From the depth of my known soul to the height of my pitiful understanding, nothing I do really work. I gathered you perform miracles, that’s not what I require.
I was told you could give me everything I want except, I’m not sure that I comprehend what I should want. I know my perception is sightless. I see it from my choices, I tend to choose things.
They told me you disliked people who do not obey you. But, I’ve read that book about you, you seem to like misfits.
Wander to the ends of the world and still converge here, to the same spot in search of meaning. The music doesn’t outplay the silence. Nothing fills the void. Goals and lists are great only if there are genuinely yours to pursue. Ladders leaning on opposite walls, walking down wrong lanes, how can you tell which is yours? Who can instruct you?
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
Because I do not want to waste my time chasing, what is not mine to have.
Tell me my storms mean something.
Tell me that every breath has meaning.
Tell me that I didn’t just happen out of happenstance.
Assure me that my name has more to it.
Talk to me, please! Bury me now or speak to me. I know you can do both.
Why do you continually save me?
And how much does it cost you? Surely there’s more to me than I know and I don’t want to wait a lifetime.
Fine! I’ll let you have it all, no struggle, no doubt, no fear except as I utter these words, I totally lack submission in my heart. Let’s work together instead. I require you to command me. I’m too wounded to try alone.
This time, I want to know you. Just the way you know the tiniest details about me. I want to know you just the way you want me too. I want you!
But, I’m curious.
How far would you go for me?
What would you do to keep me out of trouble?
I’ve got fewer years to wait and see. But here’s is what I’ve grasped. You’re an investor, and you invest in what you discern would yield fruits. Make me your investment. Bend my arms to craft value. Expose my mind to priceless inspirational ideas. Lead my thirst to the stream of wisdom.
When the scales fall from my eyes, unbreakable walls will lose tenacity. Tall trees wouldn’t seem tall anymore. Bleak spaces will appear as a see-through glass. No eagle ever birthed a chicken. If I’m yours then I have to be more. I have to have more. I have to give more and I have to do more.
Open my eyes to the treasure buried in me, I’ll wait…