This Is Not A Love Story

Whatever it is that you were told, it’s a lie!

No promise ring, no engagement ring, no whatever-kind-of-ring matters.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve spoken to his father, uncle, mother or even his ancestors none of that matters.

None of it matters.

He looked you in the eye and lied to you but you knew, you could tell nothing wasn’t right. It all moved a little too fast. He understood you so swiftly. You couldn’t stop smiling. Finally, someone knew how to make you feel special. The dates were incredible, the gifts were well-thought off. He seemed to know his game, he understood this game. He was different, really distinct!

Then lies rolled out like dice. So smooth you could smell it but too clean to spot it. But it was your fault, think hard, you caused it. You should have known better, he doesn’t like when you do that. Crawl back and beg him. Apologize for a crime you didn’t commit. Whatever it is you do, make sure he is happy, that’s all that matters.

Like an addict, you gravitate towards him because he is the only one that can love you. You crave him, lost in the aura of his charm, he has a hold on you. There’s something about this man. He makes excuses but you understand. His words shaped your moods.

It’s over, you tell yourself the first time. Of course, you do not deserve this. No one does. Cry in your sheets and miss him like hell, then run back for mercy. You can’t be by yourself, you need him.

Remember the last night, wrapped in the shits enclosed in his arms, leaning close to his heart, so close you could hear his heartbeats. It sounded alien but it felt good. Move your feet, can you tell they are chained? The kiss on your forehead doesn’t seem so deliberate anymore, the calls become shredded. He’s mostly busy.

He told good stories, the ones about the lost love; the one tore his hurt open. But you, you are the special one. Then, you assumed the redeemer’s role. You swore to yourself that you could teach this man how to love again and it didn’t matter that he failed the first time. He needed saving and you’d make sure he got it. And, though his eyes stared blankly at you, you saw a prince. You served his broken heart with diligence.

When scales fall from eyes, pillows suffer.

How could you be so stupid? There were there all along; the flags, the calls that were never returned, the odd texts, his close presence yet distant attention and the promises without directed actions. There were many signs, you should have seen it.

Every time you pulled away, he came back more forceful perhaps you were just overreacting. Tell your friends the story. No, the half-truth mostly the part about him begging to come back. But not your deep scarred emotions. Pillows know too many secrets. Your mouth dried from weeping, the crowd too little to heat your lonely heart. What did this man do to you?

You made plans for a lifetime with him. With you, it was always ‘we’. But, with him, it was all about ‘him’. Broken codes, rules and dreams all for nothing.
Slipping into the deep end, unable to catch your breath, there’s a storm and it’s got only your name on it. Blackness covers your eyes, taking over your soul. You want to breathe, you beg for redemption. You plead for your soul, you want your mind back. You’d rip out your heart if that’s what it took to take this memory away. Perhaps it’s a bad dream! Try to wake you up.

No, it’s real and you’re falling into a world you can’t control. It drips your bones, you’ve been buried in broken visions. In this place, there are only shadows.

Bury your head in grief, but when you lift it up, make sure you see only light. Rise like a phoenix and suck on the energy, let it fuel your ruined carcass and heal your tattered core. Now that the house is burned down, clear it up and build a mansion.

Remember who you are, did you even know who you are? Why don’t you find out?

Drink freely from the bowl of your agony, you allowed this to happen. Own it, then change it. Nobody did this to you, never forget that. Bless his soul and thank him for the chance. The chance to grow…

Perhaps you were looking for something only you can give yourself. What do you want?

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